Dating with no prospect of sex

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But if there’s one thing I wish I’d told my hesitant 15 year old self, it’s that braces are a whole new world of pain when you’re a real life grown-up actually trying to get people to have sex with you.

A few of my luckier friends have managed to get away with almost unnoticeable Invisaligns, which don’t massively affect their dating life until it comes to trying to sneak their retainer out before the prospect of any mouth-to-mouth.

But for me, whose vampire-esque teeth meant the only option was 18 months of metalwork, the single life ahead seemed pretty grim – especially considering that I didn’t intend on taking a vow of celibacy in the meantime.

Having now spent almost a year with my own less glamorous version of a grill, I’ve certainly had my fair share of ups and downs in the dating game.

The prospect of wearing train tracks seemed bad enough when I was a teenager.

After all, no one wants to have their first snog with someone whose mouth closely resembles a cheese grater.

So for now, I’m busting out my wider repertoire of killer bedroom moves and looking forward to that day in six months time when I can finally put my skills to use again.

After finally receiving a message that was slightly more engaging than ‘Hey bby grl, wanna cum over? Me: *shakes head vigorously* I mean, I know some people like the quiet type, but even I wouldn’t have given me longer than 20 minutes. If there’s one thing less attractive than a girl with braces, it’s a girl who looks absolutely gutted about having them. All was going well on a romantic rendezvous in a Soho restaurant until I started noticing that my date’s lusty gaze had turned into a slightly awkward squint.

You don’t have to hand wash your car or put a playlist together.

Because they are too and it’s your job to set the tone.

The intention isn’t to be friends or strike a busienss deal.

Don’t treat it like it’s a fucking business meeting or something that just happened by chance.

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